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Thread: Navy life

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    6,071
    : Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy:

    1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

    2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

    3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

    4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

    5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

    6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

    7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

    8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

    9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

    10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.

    11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

    12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

    13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

    14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

    15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

    16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

    17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

    18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

    19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

    20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

    21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

    22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

    23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

    24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

    25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

    26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.

    27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

    28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

    29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!'

    30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

    31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

    32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.

    33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.

    34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.

    35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.

    36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.

    37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."

    38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."

    Hindsight is NOT a plan!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Eastern PA
    Posts
    68,854
    Somebody has issues.
    Government is a disease...
    ...masquerading as its own cure…
    Ecclesiastes 10:2 NIV


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    east kansas
    Posts
    8,012
    My grandpa (a WWII army veteran) told me after I graduated from Army basic training he wished he had served in the Navy. The reason being "a bed to sleep in every night". I said thanks, wish you told me before I enlisted in the Army.

    Glad I served, glad I'll never have to serve again.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    6,071
    My dad did 10 years in the Navy before I was born. When I turned 16 and began to talk about following his footsteps, he told me, "Son, with the attitude you have, somebody would kill you before you ever stepped aboard ship." I knew he was right, and never pursued it.

    But, living in Pensacola most of my life, I know W-A-Y more than I ever wanted to about Navy life. I posted this here becuase I thought sure we had some old Navy guys hanging out at H-TK.
    Hindsight is NOT a plan!

  5. #5
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    Eastern PA
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    Wouldn't take me cause I had hemoroids. Only wanted perfect A**holes.

    Robin

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2000
    Posts
    197

    Thumbs up Great Laugh!

    Bama, as an active duty Navy guy, I got a great laugh from this thread today!
    Even though they are ALL good, i especially enjoyed #31 from this mornings evolution, reading the Plan of the Day.

    Bravo Zulu!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
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    1,938
    Bama has a lock on partof navy life, now add to this, walk into a sewer pipe and have the end sealed off for 3 months.
    You're in the submarine navy now.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Eastern PA
    Posts
    68,854
    Submariners, is that where 50 men go down and 25 couples come back up?
    Government is a disease...
    ...masquerading as its own cure…
    Ecclesiastes 10:2 NIV


  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    6,071
    Robin, that was cold and dirty man. But truly funny as well. I'd be ashamed of you if I wasn't grinning from ear to ear.

    I've been on the U.S.S. Drum several times, and my claustrophobia kinda freaked me out, even though I had plenty of fresh air and we were not submerged. I don't know if I could deal with it at 300 feet, and no A/C.
    Hindsight is NOT a plan!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
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    1,938
    Bama, there is A/C on subs. And as for Robin's comment, I can only believe he speaks from experience. He may be violating the don't ask, don't tell rule.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Posts
    6,071
    On the tour I took, they were telling us they sometimes have to go as long as 10 hours without running air scrubbers and cooling, when doing silent manuevers. I shiver just remembering how I shivered when the tour guide said that. Like I said, claustrophobia.
    Hindsight is NOT a plan!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2000
    Location
    Eastern PA
    Posts
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    No experience in being closed up like that. Personally I have to give anyone who can do sub duty a lot of credit. It would scare the hell out of me.

    I worked with a retired Navy guy who had been a submariner. You absolutely could not rib him without his bettering you on anything Navy. He also told me that submarines are like penises because they go deep and are full of seamen.

    I prefer the air to the water.
    Government is a disease...
    ...masquerading as its own cure…
    Ecclesiastes 10:2 NIV


  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Posts
    1,938
    If touring a sub bothered Bama, I wonder how he would do on a six hour flight. There is a lot less room in a plane than on a sub.
    I still think if you are in the Navy and have to go to sea, a sub is the way to go. It was the best pay, best food and best duty I had.
    Where else can you be at sea in a hurricane and simply go deep enough it doesn't bother you?

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