Old But Funny
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Thread: Old But Funny

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    midwest
    Posts
    2,868
    I saw this (maybe on this site) a while back and thought maybe some had not read it.

    Stun gun ...... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. Too funny...

    This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
    Taser" for their anniversary.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
    for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
    COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
    the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
    spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
    must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
    to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
    want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
    two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible
    way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
    from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

    I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
    HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
    @!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
    testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
    the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
    me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself.

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
    by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
    (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
    they up get there???

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
    weighed 88 lbs.

    I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return.

    Still in shock

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    S.W. PA
    Posts
    3,298
    I laughed so hard i have tears in my eyes

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    davenport, iowa
    Posts
    778

    Talking

    shoulda taped that one-coulda won $10,000 !!!
    Da Threadkilla

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    Dallas,Texas
    Posts
    4,948
    You might be a Red Neck if.....

    You were certain the 2nd time wouldn't be as bad.

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