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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Colorado flatland native
    Posts
    15,067
    My life has been a series of problems, and I've handled each one the same way.

    As an only child in a privileged home, I had what you would call an idyllic childhood. Everything was always handed to me. When I was 9, my father pulled some strings and got me a paper route. Well, I quickly discovered that tossing the papers while riding a bike was next to impossible, and the weight of the papers exhausted my arms. My first big opportunity in life had presented me with one of my first big problems. How did I handle it? I hid the papers in a gutter and spent the morning crying behind a bush.

    Some people look at adversity as a challenge. I'm not one of them. I see adversity like this: menacing, cold-hearted adversity. When life gives me lemons, I wish desperately for lemonade. But as I lack the sugar and ice necessary to make it, the lemons instead rot away in the drawer of the refrigerator until several months later, when I eventually throw them away.

    When you're in a bind, I'm precisely the guy you shouldn't count on. When people seek guidance, they look to anyone else but me. Need a shoulder to cry on? I'm nowhere to be found. And when the chips are down, well sir, so am I.

    Everybody faces difficulties in life that seem overwhelming, but it is only the rare few—like me, for example—who simply can't do anything about them, no matter how hard they try, until the hopelessness and despair becomes so overwhelming they can't stop themselves from contemplating suicide. Everybody has problems, and there's nothing to be done but to buck up, pull yourself together, curl up into a ball, and give up. For the surrendering you do today only lessens the pain and humiliation of the defeat you will face tomorrow!

    Five years ago, my mother gave me the "nudge out of the nest," hoping that, at 35, with a sizeable savings, an apartment in my name, a weekly allowance, a strong back, a set of fine clothes, and my father's connections in the world of business, I might find my way in the world. No sirree. Not me. Like a helpless, flightless baby bird, I sat beak-open on the sidewalk outside of our home crying desperately for my mommy night and day until such time as the authorities were called and I was taken into a group home, where I received the care I need.

    As I struggle through my day-to-day existence, which mostly involves lying in bed, I am constantly reminded that no matter what life dishes out, I know deep in my soul that I can't face it. And if you're anything like me, you need to just keep telling yourself that you can't either! Sometimes, when everything seems to be going wrong, I repeat to myself of the old saying, "God doesn't make any bad days, just bad people who are good for nothing, like myself."

    Nobody said it was going to be easy, and for me, it's not only not easy, it's impossible. I look in my heart and I ask myself this question: "Why try?" Sure, I know I've been through worse than this before, but everything that doesn't kill me makes me gradually more and more injured over time, until I'm eventually completely debilitated and can do nothing but ineffectually quiver in pain.

    When life gets me down, I stay down, hoping to avoid another gut-wrenching blow to the solar plexus. And, when the going gets tough, I bring my knees to my chin and wrap my arms around my head to avoid being trampled to death by all the go-getters who have gotten going!
    My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
    Walter Matthau

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    440
    Now THAT was seriously depressing!

    I was waiting for the punch line at the end...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    2,843
    Hmmm.


    [Edited by ralphtheplumber on 10-06-2005 at 03:59 PM]
    "If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a KA." - Albert Einstein

    It's later than you think.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    2,927
    Originally posted by kgouker
    I was waiting for the punch line at the end...
    and then,build central declined to add this to their newsletter.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    burlington county n.j.
    Posts
    9,723
    might be medication for that.............


















    or maybe a set of balls!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    3,400
    Here, try this link.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41001

    Maybe it will make more sense?

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Bennington, Vermont U.S.A.
    Posts
    13,864
    Originally posted by t527ed
    might be medication for that.............

    or maybe a set of balls!!!!!!!!!!!
    I you knew Spotts you would know that he posted this in irony.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Colorado flatland native
    Posts
    15,067
    Originally posted by benncool
    Originally posted by t527ed
    might be medication for that.............

    or maybe a set of balls!!!!!!!!!!!
    If you knew Spotts you would know that he posted this in irony.

    It's the Anti-Gruvn! I thought it was funny as hell.
    My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
    Walter Matthau

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    7,977
    And I thought you were talking about George Bush.


  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    831

    Same site

    I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am.

    That's a great line!
    eventu rerum stolidi didicere magistro

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    12,077
    It's just so damn cute looking at a baby liberal.

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