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08-16-2005, 03:22 PM #1Banned
- Join Date
- Nov 2000
- Coastal Georgia
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
08-16-2005, 03:29 PM #2"If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a KA." - Albert Einstein
It's later than you think.
08-16-2005, 04:44 PM #3Regular Guest
- Join Date
- Aug 2005
This is a masterpiece.
08-16-2005, 04:53 PM #4
08-16-2005, 04:57 PM #5
Smartest thing ever posted here.My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
08-16-2005, 05:08 PM #6
I feel smarter already, can't wait for the next lesson
I especially like this part of the lesson.
most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
08-16-2005, 08:25 PM #7
THAT SHOULD BE IN THE HISTORY BOOKS!
08-16-2005, 08:37 PM #8Professional Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2002
Hummmm....wheres dice? he will be here any minute to dispute that.....but I thought it was great
08-16-2005, 09:01 PM #9
That was very good.....where did you find it ??
Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.
08-16-2005, 10:46 PM #10Professional Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2004
almost went a day without learning something...
[Edited by happycamper on 08-16-2005 at 10:51 PM]If its worth doing, it's worth doing right.