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Thread: Wife new Taser

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    houston, texas
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    Wife new Taser

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
    the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
    the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
    new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
    that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner,
    my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
    reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
    thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
    about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
    is such a sweet cat.
    But, if I was going to give this thing to my
    wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
    would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a
    one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
    burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
    flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little
    device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
    pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries)
    thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description,but I'll do my best...

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
    with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,'
    reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
    all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in throughthe side door,
    picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
    over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
    my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
    wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my
    left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
    living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
    yourself with a Taser,
    one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
    you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
    three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or
    so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of thefireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
    face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I ****myself ,but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
    smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
    came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
    reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!'
    I'm not tolerating Political Correctness anymore, from now on it's tell it like it is.

    Veto Pro Pak - The best tool bag you'll ever own

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Highland Il.
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    LMAO took 10 min. to read this wiping tears away

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    houston, texas
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    Thread Starter
    I did too.
    I'm not tolerating Political Correctness anymore, from now on it's tell it like it is.

    Veto Pro Pak - The best tool bag you'll ever own

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Middle of the Oregon Coast
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    I have been looking for this one for a while now. I read it a while back somewhere else, but couldn't find it again. Now I am going to save it to my "funny files".

    I had tears running down my face as I read this as well. Thanks for the good laugh!!!
    The Lord must love stupid people or he wouldn't have made so many.

    Why is it that when I am in a hurry, everyone else on the road goes 15 MPH under the speed limit?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    hazzard county md
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    late to the party but i cried laffing my ass off on this. thanks
    I need some free-zone in my compensate line.
    I am just a cog in the wheel.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Metro Atlanta
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    The opinions expressed by me are not that of my employer.

    insulation modern marvels

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Chicago land area 60181
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    That is great I am sorry I laughed my ass off that's like FHV when the guy put on the shocking dog collar WTF

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    Almost **** myself laughing. Can't say I didn't anticipate what was coming through the lead-in but that's about the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

    But tell me, what do you say when she threatens you with it?
    If YOU want change, YOU have to first change.

    If you are waiting for the 'other guy' to change first, just remember, you're the 'other guy's' other guy. To continue to expect real change when you keep acting the same way as always, is folly. Won't happen. Real change will only happen when a majority of the people change the way they vote!

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