I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second
chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean,
come on. This guy is due.
I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have
an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, OK? I'm a little short this week.
I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their
race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because,
well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.
I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our
diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the
authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree
that tolerance is critical.
I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people's
bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and
I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV
and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't
even get me started about that damn Internet business.
I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely
very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education
reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure
this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education.
I am a Democrat because I believe in the separation of church and state. We must stop
the religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers. Now, you tell me - with all
that chanting and praying and incense-burning going on, how can our kids concentrate on
the big condom-and-banana midterm?
I am a Democrat because I believe in the rights of women, be they lawyers or housewives
or skanky interns. For too long women have been the victims of discrimination, and we
must target programs to help these women, and also the various people who have descended
I am a Democrat because I believe in women's right to choose. I mean, not a church
school or a tax shelter, or something like that, obviously. Let's be reasonable.
I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because
hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed
yesterday. As far as you know.
I am a Democrat because I believe a healthy economy depends on good jobs at good wages.
So fork 'em over, you fat b@stard boss man.
I am a Democrat because I believe the government should step in to create good jobs when
that fat b@stard boss man moves my good job to Mexico. Hey, I know! Maybe we can take
all the money that boss man spends on non-job-creating stuff, like solid gold yachts and
mink spats, and use that money to create jobs.
I am a Democrat because I fear the power of giant unrestrained monopolies, such as
Microsoft, Nike, Parker Brothers, Univac and the Erie Canal Company. The government must
wage an unrelenting,
I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and
thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on
the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must
I am a Democrat because I believe there is too much violence in society, especially in
our schools. To avoid another Columbine tragedy, we should have mellow "rap" sessions
with at-risk teens, such as the Goths. The violence will only end after the teen Goths
see that we adults really care, and are "hip" to their groovy teen Goth scene.
I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Sadly, our politics are
dominated by advertisements, paid for by the contributions of giant corporations. All
too often, these drown out legitimate grassroots opinions, like the kind heard on
TimeWarner-AOL-CNN, TimesCorp, or Disney-ABC.
I am a Democrat because I believe in public support of the arts. By "the arts," I of
course mean those things made by, or excreted by, an artist of some sort. It is
especially important that art be provocative and take controversial stances, like
opposing Jesse Helms, and so on.
I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we
must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If
we don't, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline
prices for you and me.
I am a Democrat because I detest greed. Especially the sickening greed of those who
struck it rich in the 1980s, and greedily refuse to give me any of their stuff.
I am a Democrat because I... hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they
don't vote off Jenna, she's my favorite.