Bush Military Records Found in Berger's Socks

(2004-07-24) -- The Pentagon announced today that the newly-released payroll records from President Bush's 1972 National Guard service were discovered in the socks of Clinton-era national security advisor Samuel R. "Sandy" Berger.

"We're still going through the trove of documents from Mr. Berger's socks," said an unnamed spokesman for the FBI. "It's like an archeological dig. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find 18 minutes of Nixon White House tapes as we work our way down through the various strata of the Berger hosiery."

Mr. Berger released a statement to the media denying intentional wrongdoing in the matter, and claiming that "static electricity" often attracts items to his socks.

"In the future, I shall employ a popular dryer sheet which dissipates electrical charges," Mr. Berger said. "My failure to do so previously is just plain sloppiness."

Berger Leaves Kerry Campaign After 'Thorough Frisking'

(2004-07-21) -- Samuel R. "Sandy" Berger, former national security advisor to President Bill Clinton, today left the presidential campaign staff of John Forbes Kerry, after "a thorough frisking and examination of his briefcase."

The premature departure follows the announcement of an FBI probe of Mr. Berger on allegations that he stole classified documents from the U.S. National Archives.

"We're sad to see our trusted friend, Sandy Berger, leave the Kerry-Edwards campaign," said Mr. Kerry, "But we're glad to have a chance to recover some items that had gone missing while he was here."

Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator, said the search of Mr. Berger's person and effects turned up the only existing copy of a missing Kerry-Edwards document called "Our Unshakable Beliefs" which Mr. Berger had accidentally misplaced in his left ear.

In his defense, Mr. Berger said, "the document was quite small, and I think it just stuck to my fingernail and then got lost in my ear hair. It's a sloppy mistake that anyone could make."

Pets.com Mascot Implicated in Berger Archive Heist

(2004-07-21) -- The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) announced this morning that its agents apprehended the former Pets.com mascot on charges of transporting stolen goods as part of a probe into former national security advisor Samuel R. "Sandy" Berger's theft of top-secret documents from the National Archive.

"We knew from the start that documents don't wind up in socks on their own," said an unnamed FBI spokesman. "We thought someone else might have a hand in this, so we ran database search and turned up the Pets.com sock puppet."

The source said no charges have yet been filed against President Clinton's pet cat, "Socks," but neither has the former First Feline been cleared.