Upgrading to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.31 SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DrapeHanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and has on occasion evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Can you help?

Signed, Jane

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Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about,but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. It is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Further, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any modification program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily accept new information or changes. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under "Warningsivorce/Resource Allocation.") You will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflict, and possible virus infection. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and wave files LoudSnore and NoxiousGas. All of these files are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is plagued with memory and performance problems.

Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, and Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called when needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support