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Thread: COLONOSCOPY

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    Monmouth Junction-NJ-USA
    Posts
    6,004

    COLONOSCOPY

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

    I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

    In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric , a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
    MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
    commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt
    on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
    was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
    least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
    If you really know how it works, you have an execellent chance of fixin' er up!

    Tomorrow is promised to no one...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Berkshires MA
    Posts
    326
    Do you Know how to tell which procedure they do first? (Oral or Rectal)
    BY the Taste. LOL

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    In the house normally
    Posts
    219
    The joys of getting old. Thanks!!! LOL
    What we have here, is a failure to communicate........

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    SW Florida
    Posts
    1,260
    LOL That is funny

    My experience with this a few years back, The doc was gonna do mine in OR1 and a lady in the OR2 room right next to me. When I was coming out of the sedation that I was under in the recovery room, I heard my doctor say to Mrs. XYZ, the OR2 lady: I am very sorry that I pierced your colon, and we will have to do surgery immediately.....ouch

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    WA
    Posts
    108
    I've seen it before, but it's so well written I had to read it again. Too funny.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    AK
    Posts
    26
    I was going in for "the scope" when my doc suggested a take home test. You sample your poop for three days, send the samples to the lab, and they check for blood. Doctor said it is verg good with no puncture risk.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    east kansas
    Posts
    8,032
    Quote Originally Posted by zzonko View Post
    LOL That is funny

    My experience with this a few years back, The doc was gonna do mine in OR1 and a lady in the OR2 room right next to me. When I was coming out of the sedation that I was under in the recovery room, I heard my doctor say to Mrs. XYZ, the OR2 lady: I am very sorry that I pierced your colon, and we will have to do surgery immediately.....ouch
    Oh great! I'm on my way in tomarrow and didn't know that was even a concern.

    I just took four laxative pills and in an hour I get the 64 oz of the other laxative.

    Funny story though.
    Beware of advice given by some guy on the Internet.

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