I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies
for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you
all the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with
the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds,
3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me
up to my sled runners in bird ****.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some
people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of
January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my **** together and
bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses
down to Kmart before everything is gone.