Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said, "Implants?" (AND GOT SLAPPED)

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up really fast. (I can't remember
what a RUSH is anymore)

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a Screamer
or a Moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many
of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a
truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the
bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore
I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones
she's been giving me lately! (You know, that EAT
S_ _ _ and DIE Loook!!!)

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive. (Some are Happy
and Some are Sad and Some go Both Ways)

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly
by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so
many dead rabbits on the highway?

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want
to see naked? (Misery Loves Company???)

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal
probably eats better than thirty percent
of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"