Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!