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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2007

    Secret Cat Diary

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
    DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

    Anything is possible with God

    Fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency - F. Leghorn

    Ain't I a stinker - B. Bunny

    \m/ (>.<) \m/ ROCK HARD!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007

    Warning Signs of Insanity

    The Warning Signs of Insanity...

    Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

    You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

    You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

    Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

    You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

    You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

    Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

    People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

    Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

    Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

    You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

    You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

    Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

    You collect dead windowsill flies.

    Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

    You like cats. Especially with mayo.

    You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

    You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

    You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

    Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

    Melba toast excites you.

    When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

    You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

    You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

    You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

    You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

    People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

    You keep thinking this is the year for the Cubbies.

    You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

    You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

    The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

    You like reading lists like this.

    Anything is possible with God

    Fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency - F. Leghorn

    Ain't I a stinker - B. Bunny

    \m/ (>.<) \m/ ROCK HARD!!

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