The Master of One-Liners by George Carlin

-How come wrong numbers are never busy?

-Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

-Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

-Does killing time damage eternity?

-Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

-Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

-Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

-Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

-Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

-Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

-Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

-How can there be self-help "groups"?

-How do you get off a non-stop flight?

-How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

-How many weeks are there in a light year?

-If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

-If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

-If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

-If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?

-If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

-If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

-Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

-Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?