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Thread: Said in Court

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    MemphisTn
    Posts
    179
    Said in Court Humor & Observations.... Said in court..... word for word
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July fifteenth.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.


    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.


    Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant were your red and blue lights flashing?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: What did she say?
    A: What disco am I at?


    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?


    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No. Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Posts
    1,293
    Attorney: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?
    Witness: Mr. Stewart gave me artifical insemination -- you know, mouth-to-mouth.
    ----------------
    Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?
    Witness: We both do.
    Attorney: Voodoo?
    Witness: We do.
    Attorney: You do?
    Witness: Yes. Voodoo.
    ------------
    Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood
    --------------
    Attorney: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    Witness: No -- I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
    ---------------
    Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
    Witness: The young lady is pregnant -- but not as a result of my examination.
    ----------
    Attorney: Remember all your responses must be oral. OK? Now, what school do you go to?
    Witness: Oral.
    Attorney: How old are you?
    Witness: Oral.
    --------------
    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    Witness: No.
    --------------
    Attorney: Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    Witness: No -- this is how I usually dress when I go to work.
    -----------
    Attorney: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    Witness: The victim lived.
    -------------
    Attorney: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    Witness: It indicates intercourse.
    Attorney: Male sperm?
    Witness: That's the only kind I know of.
    -----------------
    Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?
    Witness: At his funeral.
    Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?
    ---------------
    Attorney: Now doctor -- Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
    --------------
    Attorney: And what happened then?
    Witness: He told me -- he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Attorney: Did he kill you?
    ----------
    Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?
    -----------
    Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
    Witness: That's me.
    Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?

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