The sex was so good that even the neighbors had
a cigarette.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every
minute of it.

* I work hard because millions on welfare depend
on me.

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* Don't take life too seriously. You won't get
out alive.

* You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

* To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.

* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ

* I want to die in my sleep like my
grandfather... not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
* God must love stupid people; he made so many.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to
get you.

* Your IQ test score is back and the results were

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Beer ~ the reason I get up each afternoon

* I must be a proctologist because I work with

* Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam (seen
on Cape Cod)

* That's it! I'm calling Nana! (seen on an 8
year old)

* Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to
be when I grew up

* Procrastinate now

* Rehab is for quitters

* My dog can lick anyone.

* I have a degree in Liberal Arts. You want fries
with that?

* Party - my crib - two A.M. (on a baby-size

* Finally 21, and legally able to do what I've
been doing since 15

* All men are idiots and I married their King.

* Kentucky: one million people, and 15 last

* Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with
the software.

* I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes

* A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance

* Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

* They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was
already taken

* He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless

* Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit
the Frog

* Police station toilet stolen... Cops have
nothing to go on.

* Heck is where people go who don't believe in

* A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up a thousand times the memory.

* The Meek shall inherit the earth after we're
through with it.

* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a

* HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a
lifetime commitment for a pig.

* The trouble with life is there's no background

* If there is no God, who pops up the next

* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

* The original point and click interface was a
Smith & Wesson.

* My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.

* Computer geeks don't byte, they nibble a bit.

* Computer geeks know how to use their hardware.

* Mop and Glow - floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

* NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning

* Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is

* My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.