Bummer stuff

[RoBoTeq]

Last month we moved my parents from Ocean City, MD to about 8 miles from my older sister and less then an hours drive from me. My older brother is also now about an hour away from them. We have a younger sister who lives in Delaware that does not communicate with the rest of us much.

A week after they move in my dad winds up in the hospital. He's just about given up on life because of how crippled up he is. I do not have much hope of his being around much longer.

Now, my younger sister has just had an emergency operation and they found she is riddled with all kinds of cancer in most of her body. She is being given a month to live.

I am a terrible person with dealing with these sorts of things because there is nothing I can do to fix them. I know it is going to happen to all of us, but if there are ways that any of you have dealt with this sort of thing, I'm open to anything. Thanks in advance.

[rob10]

Just make time to be there with them. When you are there with them just listen.

[BaldLoonie]

Sorry to hear all that Robin. I have no ideas. I lost both parents within a 2 year time frame 7 & 9 years ago. Just take time. Dad went quickly from heart, Mom fought cancer for years but this last time, for about 18 months. Maybe a support group of others undergoing similar issues?

[dutchcool]

Robo, Noting that will be said here, gives a solution, sorry.
Thinking of the good years, may give you peace of mind.

I wish you strength.

[RoBoTeq]

Thanks guys. I know there is not much that can be done. Ya don't want to be bummed out when around people who are dying, but how the hell do you not be bummed out?

Like I stated; my younger sister and I have never been very close. To tell the truth; I have avoided her because she has always been quite the flake. So; does my suddenly visiting her look like I am trying to make amends or is it really going to help? That is a rhetorical question of course, just the kind of crap that is going around in my head.

I have a bad habit of suddenly becoming very immersed in work when things like this happen. Of course; that is just a cop out on my part and I know it.

My dad is going to be the tough one for me to take losing. He was always such a tough ole bird that to see him so frail is really tough. There is no blood relation between my dad and I but he is the best dad I could have ever hoped for. He's certainly not lived a life of a saint, but I respect and admire him more then any other person on earth.

My faith tells me that what is happening is the normal cycle of mortal life and that my family members will live on in the true spiritual world of our true existance, but it is still difficult to accept.

[James 3528]

They will grow weaker and pass as you said. It will happen to all of us as you said. It is important for them to see you strong and know that they will live on in your memory. In fact, tell them that.

[RoBoTeq]

James, I read your post just before calling my sister at the hospital. Thanks.

This was the first I had spoken to her since getting the news. It was one of the toughest conversations I have ever had. She is so scared.

My sister is pretty doped up on morphine but seems to be quite coherent and very aware of her circumstances. They are giving her the outside chance of three months with kemo and radiation, but that will greatly decrease the quality of her life.

I was pleased to hear he say that she has a good relationship with God and believes in eternal spiritual life, but she is still very scared.

My brother is taking my mom, who is also very frail, to see my sister tomorrow. This situation really makes me feel like a bastard for anything I have done that hurt anyone in life.

My sisters husband is also not doing well with her dying, which I suppose can be expected. He is somewhat of a country boy (actually 12 years her senior) who has some alcohol issues which have even put him behind bars for a year. What a mess.

[RoBoTeq]

Oh; I don't think I came off as being very strong. She is the one who is surprisingly strong right now.

[trane]

I don't know what to say other than my prayers are with you and your family.

[aircooled53]

Robin, I would crack a joke or say something brash, but in this case I would give you some advice.

I lost my grand father Dec.16,2004

My grandfather was 91 and had pancratic cancer with only 6 months to live, well the tough old guy made it to 96 and finally gave up, but the last years I grew closer to him as he was my only father I ever new when I was growing up.

Find time to talk and take him out to see things that mean something to you and him.Ask him how he feels about death and is he ready for the last ride home.Pray with him it helped me as much as it did him.He had all of his things in order so, time is very special to them..

Dec.1, 2005 Lost my brother to liver cancer and his dream was to come to Fort Worth to see Nascar Race at Texas Motor Speedway so, before he pasted he and his grandson went to the track with oxygen tank in-tow he took a day at the track. Shortly after that his wife call at 1:00am in the morning and asked for me to come as he was going fastand could I come down to east Texas now, I left 20 minutes later and 4:00am I was at his bedside,I stayed there until 10:30 that night and he pasted. I remember Sunday dinners,water skiing at the lake, working at my first job at his service station and long talks we had together growing up. It always comes back to prayer and faith in God and your ability to to remember the times that you spent with the one who was close to you. Don't remember the bad times they will just make you sad....


Good luck with your Dad, my prayers are with him and you.

[bootlen]

Robo,

Praying for you here. Rely on Christ for strength and the Spirit for wisdom.

[bb]

Sorry you are having to deal with this sort of thing. There is nothing easy about it.

I won't bore you with the story of my dad before he passed but will only offer you some advise.

Make sure you take some time with him and simply tell him Thank You for being such a wonderful Dad.

God Bless.

[Mr Bill]

Originally posted by aircooled53
I remember Sunday dinners,water skiing at the lake, working at my first job at his service station and long talks we had together growing up. It always comes back to prayer and faith in God and your ability to to remember the times that you spent with the one who was close to you. Don't remember the bad times they will just make you sad....
Good luck with your Dad, my prayers are with him and you.

Great advise air53, I have lost almost my entire family in the past few years except for the family my wife and I have made my brother was really tough it's been about 3 years since he passed and man I still have a hard time dealing with his loss we were close, but as you said I try to focus on all the good times we had and it really seems to work when I am down and thinking about him.
Sorry Robin I know what your going through I have been in those shoes and there is no silver bullet
answer other than Prayer on dealing with it but I think your posting what's going on here will help and we are here if you need us keep us updated and another thing never give up because no ones time is up until the Lord says so,

[RoBoTeq]

I really appreciate the supportive posts. I guess I am leaning on you guys because I have not behaved well in the past such as when my grandparents died.

I did recently handle the passing of an old friend who died at 81 years old, so I guess I'm getting better at not avoiding these situations as I get older. To me, this is by far my biggest fault in life. That I am so afraid to deal with death I avoid comforting those who are dying is just an atrocious act of self serving preservation to me and I hate being this way.

Again; hearing what you guys have to say and your own experiences really does help.

[bigbird]

I know what your going through ,robo,I went through a whole family dying of cancer, even a 29 year old sister.Keep your head up & take care, we`ll be thinking of you through these hard times.

[micdundee]

old fellow in a supply house one day telling the story of how he developed heart problems ,had a 3-bypass, go to doctor once a week to make sure the five different meds he's taking are keeping everything in check & balance and then said , one thing i've figured out after all of this and paused and then said , you aint going to get out of this world alive! sorry if the seemed bad timing to some . i went through many family member's deaths but the worst was 7 mos. of cancer with my mother.four boys, i organized 24 shifts for each at hospital with her.toughest thing that you will ever do but take solice in the fact that you ,like me , might not have been the best son that we could have been,(none of us are because we think they will live forever and we have plenty of time)but in thier eyes they are pruod of you and the good man you have become. in about a year, you will not stop your sentence when you speak of them and not long after that you'll be telling those old stories of memories that are yours alone. may god bless you and yours.hold family near and dear because when we are gone, they will define who we were.

[markwolf]

My dad passed on new years day this year.He was my best friend.I will never be the same IMO.All I can offer is a prayer.

[frigetater]

hang in there Robo....tell them you love them

[ladyfire3374]

My Dad is also unrelated to me, but is the best Dad I think a person could have.

Many of us get into this field because we like fixing things. When we come up against something we can't fix, we just keep at it until we can.
Dying is not something we can fix, and it can make us feel very uncomfortable, helpless and small...and we absolutely hate feeling that way!

Here's how I deal with it.
Some people have a good death, surrounded by loving family and friends, they die content in their life and secure in their faith. One of the worst I know of was a friend's mom, dying of a cancer she'd fought for 25 years. Her philandering husband had totally wigged out & was chasing their daughter around the hospice with a gun.

So the one thing I CAN do is try to help that person have a good death. Sometimes that just means spending time, and listening. Sometimes, rehashing old hurts and hopefully resolving some.
Years in public safety taught me that there are a lot of things I can't control. And the outcome may not be what I want. But I can sleep at night knowing I did the best I was able to at the time.

It will be an emotional rollercoaster ride, and it won't be easy.
But you can do it, and your faith will help.
And a lot of folks here will be boosting you with thoughts and prayer.
Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[RoBoTeq]

I hope this doesn't come off as being morbid or a "misery loves company" sort of an attitude, but it really helps to read the posts that have been written here about others dealing with the death of family and friends.

I am usually not one to flaunt my failings, but I really need to get over my adversion to dealing with death so I can be somewhat beneficial to my family and friends. Again; your posts are greatly appreciated and very helpful to me at this time.

Over the years I have tried to prepare myself for the demise of my parents, who naturally we figure will die before we do. What took me by surprise was my sister. I guess I just figured I would die before any of my siblings and would never have to deal with their deaths. Being wrong just sucks.