To whom it may apply,

Through years of research and study I have devised three simple laws which shall never be strayed from. You must know these laws prior to utilizing the loo in an unfamiliar place. The three laws in sequential order are as follows:

The first law: Be sure there is a sufficient amount of material for proper wiping

The second law: Test the fixture so you know it is capable of flushing

The third law: Make doubly sure that there is a plunger in the vicinity

This constitution of instruction is subject to addition, subtraction, or revision of the three laws it contains, through further study and trial.