Philosophy,life,pain,regret,healing,help

[John(Chicago)]

Physical well being is inseparable from emotional well being. Happy people are healthy people. The wisdom traditions of the world tell us that happiness does not depend on what you have, but on who you are. As we begin the new year, it may be worthwhile to reflect on what really creates happiness in us. The following ten keys, gleaned from the wisdom traditions, may give us some insight.

(I totally agree with this statement, because I have come to realize in the past year or two that I have been living a lie and suffering terribly because of it. I have suffered physical pain and mental anguish due to lying to myself and to others to try to be someone I wasn’t meant to be. I truly believe this has taken a toll on my life span.)

Listen to your body’s wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body, “How do you feel about this?” If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress, watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.

(I believe this applies to the practice of “stoicism”. I did this thru out my entire marriage and it was to my detriment. Just as soldiers practice it to do terrible things they must do in war, I did it to do what I must to make my marriage work for so long and it will kill you in the long run. It basically is cognitive control over what your physical body is telling you not to do.)

Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don’t struggle against the infinite scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.

(I have voued to do this from now on because of my past near death experiences and life altering aftermath. I have learned that we have a very short insignificant existance here and it sould be spent to it's fullest and savored. I now keep a digital voice recorder with me at all times to record my thoughts for my kids and myself, I have also kept a diary to my girls for some years now, two years before I was even diagnosed with my life threatening brain tumor. I have had the most profound revalations in my life these past two years and it has given me a new philosophy in life.)

Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn’t good for you.

(I do this often knowingly or not, it may be due to the meds I'm on but sometimes it happens when i'm driving and thats not a good thing. I have had what I call "hickups" in my cinamagraphic memory, in the past. It's weird but its like your memory is that of what you see and hear through your eyes and ears like a camera and it's recorded as such in your brain on like as a series of "stills". I have had "hickups" where mine get stuck like a DVD player does when the disc is scratched. I take a pill now that has really helped this to stop, but I can remember one time in the past where I looked at the clock and it was 10:00pm and the next thing I remember it said 5:00pm. I think this was confused by my wife as lazyness because sometimes when you get stuck it just takes some outside stimuluss to get it going again, like your wife *****ing at you to get to work.)

Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.

(This is absolutly god damn true and it was a point of major contention between my wife and I. I could give a fu(%$ about what others think of me, but it means everything to her. She is a pleaser and tries to please everyone to her detriment and I am an *******. She would let her mother walk over her feelings and put her parenting capacity down to the point to where she would break down crying to me but she would seek her mothers approval over and over again. I don't seek anyones approval, in fact, I might get more pleasure out of seeking others DISS-approval.)

When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.

(I am battleing this very problem in me as I write this. I have so much hate and anger from so long ago that it's killing me slowly inside. I am, in fact, a torchured soule with my hate and anger.)

Know that the world “out there” reflects your reality “in here.” The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.

(Could this possibly mean that if I most hate my wife and she is such a pleaser type, that I wish subconciaously to please? Seeing this and changing thy self to reflect that I will shed my lust for anarchy and atisocialism?)

Shed the burden of judgment – you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.

(Now this is one that I don't feel I have a problem with. I have always had a problem with judgment of me by others and so I do not judge others as I do not want others to judge me. My wife had made me be judgmental to others like a click in school might force a school mate to conform to there fations, but I have allways been liberal. I love my self, some times more than once a day too.)

Don’t contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.

( I have had problems with this in my distant past but I have cut out my toxins one by one over the years, some by choice and some not. This is probably the hardest doctrine to live by here and I feel I am way ahead of the eight ball here. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs (other than the ones that keep me alive), eat excessivly (any more, lost 40lbs in 3 months and counting). What I have to do now is work on the toxic emotions one. What are toxic emotions though? It seems to be ambiguous here as to what a "toxic" emotion might be, doesnt it? Help me out here, what might be "toxic emotions", because I happen to think that if I give up my lust for erotic sex than I might as well just be shot in the head right now.)

Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.

(Help me out here because this contradict normal human intuition. Fear helps us to not do what hurt us in the past, it's our survival mechanizm, to go agains that might contradict an ealier rule of following your bodies physical guidance, right? I have a problem with this one for sure because I have fear,anger, hate and pain but I need these things to some extent. I need my pain, my anger, it motivates me. I have scars, scars remind us that the past was real, I get tatoos to puntuate life turnpoints. I am bipolar or as once was commonly know as manic depressive and when I am depressive I usually substitute utter sadness with intence anger and hate because that is an easier emotion to live with than the debilitating emotion of sadness.)

Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet’s air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.

(This is just a very hard to understand way of saying that perception is reality and the world is what we make it. I truely beleive this doctrine and I beleive that sick people that are sick in the head are capable of poluting our world.)

[rob10]

I appreciated the part of living for yourself and not trying to please eveyone else. There is few people that I seek a stamp of approval from. In fact only the wife gets this from me. Basically, the rest of the world can go take a dump if they don't like what I stand for or what actions I take.

[Shophound]

What I have to do now is work on the toxic emotions one. What are toxic emotions though? It seems to be ambiguous here as to what a "toxic" emotion might be, doesnt it? Help me out here...


Personally I would regard "toxic emotions" as the feelings that arise from envy, hatred, jealousy, undue judgment of others...anything that tears myself or another person down vs building myself or another up.

I think it's pointless to believe that all pain, fear, anger, etc can be eradicated from the human soul. I believe they serve a purpose, but all too often the purpose is distorted and it leads to "toxic emotions" or whatnot.
I believe there's a time for anger and a time one should seek insight as to what he fears. What is hard to grapple with is when fear, anger, etc become the dominant factors on one's life, to where love and joy are diminished or shut out.

I think the author of what you quoted is striving for a sense of balance to the human condition. And above all, be true to one's self and don't fear loving one's self or allowing one's self to be loved. Self love is not selfish...that happens when one doesn't really understand self love. Love your neighbor AS you do yourself, the saying goes, vs. loving your neighbor and neglecting yourself, as many seem to do in hopes that they will be loved.

Good thoughts you've shared on this new year's day. Thanks for posting.

[John(Chicago)]

I have had some revolations in the past two years that are the most powerfull of my life. In the beginning of 02 I was driving down North ave west in Northlake and I was hit by an overwhelming feeling I was going to die, not right then and there but was dieing for sure. I pulled over into a Portillos parkinglot and began the first hand written pages of a diary to my two daughters for fear that I will die and they would grow up with a history of me told by those who never really knew me.

In April of 04 I really did almost die from a very larg brain tumor and as it turns out I am really slowly dieing as I write this. Not for sure and not right away, but dieing none the less. There is nothing anyone can do and the doctors have good prognosesis, but the odds are stacked against me, really, for a normal life span. I will most likely die of sudden stroke in the next 10 to 15 years or some quaint organ failure and subsequent complication due to the many drugs I must take for the rest of my life. These are the two most reasonable causes, there are good odds for some other forms of cancer from the drugs I take, hightened riskes complicated by family history of heart disease and colon cancer, stroke has family history and is leading cause of death among patients with my tumor not to mention mine has already started to pinch off the main artery. I can go on and on, but basically my point is that all this has given to a profound revelation in that I beleive now that we are put on this earth for the purpose of the struggle.

I am agnostic and I now think that the pattern of life is that of natural selection. The process of trial and error and the victor gets to pass on the succeding traits to the next generation in order to produce a better model. This is summed up in one frase, "what dosnt kill us makes us stronger".

I have always learned things the hard way in life and suffered the consequenses for it. I have at times been misserably sad with myself at how much of an utter waist I've been in life to date and woundered what was wrong with my that I was so stupid that I always had to learn things this way. Then it occured to me, "What doesnt kill us makes us stronger", and that's it! I have to learn things this way because this was the best way to learn. It was my lot in life to struggle and learn hard painfull lessons and learn them well,.. SO AS TO PASS THEM ALONG TO MY CHILDREN. This is how I will evolve, I will learn the lessons the hard way and I will pass them along as truthfully and efficiently as possible to my children so as to evolve them into better more capable human beings. They will still have to learn things the hard way too, but at least they might see them comming and not second guess them, they will understand the process and accept it.

Now having said this, I will now go one furthure.

I read a lot of physics and cosmology, I read about the universe and quantum mechanics, I read about the many sciences and new technologies that shape our view of our universe. I have alway seeked to gain a complete picture of our universe for my own understanding. As I have grown up and learned I have become very tuned to seeing patterns and parelells,.. "symetrys". I have formed some personal confidences in some modern day theories and incorporated them into a picture of my idea of what the universe may be all about.

I belive in a variant of the "Anthropic Principal", I belive that their is some "Grand Unification" between the physics of quantum mechanics and the physics of general relitivity. I also belive their might be some inteligent design in the universe who's purpose is procreation. YES,.. procreation,.. our universe may be one of many universes in whitch the struggle to evolve is set forth for the sole purpose to create more of what created the creation in the first place. The pattern of evolution in nature is so well suited for producing greatness that I think the purpose is the struggle and the pattern suggest to me that it is in itself the purpose in it ALL, to create ones self. It only fits to me logically that if their was inteligent design in the univerce that its purpose would be to procreate. So our imperative is to struggle to evolve to be all that we can be and we shall evolve into the being that created us in the first place and it would have come full circle. I don't beleive that this creator has onipotent control over us because of the fact of the uncertanty principal, but I do beleive that their is a force called "spookyness from afar" that eludes to manipulation of matter that could affect outcomes over a distances and time over many. This could mean an influence more than direct manipulation. I truely am thinking about this because some weird unexplainable improbable stuff has happened to me these past few years that my scientific mind is struggling to explain.

[refrigeration mafia]

Originally posted by John(Chicago)
I am agnostic and I now think that the pattern of life is that of natural selection. The process of trial and error and the victor gets to pass on the succeding traits to the next generation in order to produce a better model. This is summed up in one frase, "what dosnt kill us makes us stronger".


It would only be natural for those who have gone before to attempt to kill those who wish to take thier place. While those who would take the place of those who have gone before naturally want to kill those who are in place.

THerefore the safest place to exist might just be hidden from those two competing states of conciousness. Strong but humble. Use force only when necessary and then only when the options are limited, then only as much as needed. This is what I will teach my children.

[Edited by refrigeration mafia on 01-02-2006 at 02:00 AM]

[ozone drone]

John,

Watching you grapple with your demons while facing your mortality makes any thinking person pause and ask theirself the same question. It's the question of the ages ... Why am I here? ...



[Edited by ozone drone on 01-02-2006 at 07:49 AM]

[royc]

Good post John, and after reading it reminded me much of things when I was younger. But as I grew up and two divorces later, I got the hell out of Chicago and moved to Florida were I reflected and started to practice much of what is in your post. It took many years to heal myself not only physicaly but mentaly. For in my previous residence life was all about living up to others expectations, and keeping up with the Jones's, and I beat myself up trying to get there.

I no longer care about getting rich, I'm a good tech and I can make a living anywhere there are people needing me. I bought a cheap old house thats paid for. I havent bought a new car since 1965 and dont care to have one, if its got four weels, runs good, and gets me where I'm going, its ok by me. The only thing I owe money on is on two of my three service vehicles, and it isnt a lot. I take every day as a gift, and I'm gratefull I woke up that day.

I have a wife who is a worry wart, she worrys about every little thing, she just cant help herself. It makes for interesting conversations at times...lol. It has a lot to do with self confidence and whatever comes your way good or bad, can be dealt with. I think a lot has to do with the way we are brought up. In this society we are assaulted with consumerism, I see people who live from one paycheck to the other, but never the less have a wide screen tv, cable and a new car sitting in the driveway, And then wonder why they cant make ends meet, not to mention everyone in the household has to have a cell phone.

Anyhow, your post reminded me a lot of me, and since your in Chicago it kind of brought back old times.

Roy

Btw I'm from the Riverview area(Western & Belmont)

[John(Chicago)]

My imperative for the rest of my life will be to help my girls thrive in their lives. My doctrine is to support them and enable them to find the one thing they truely LOVE in life and convince them that that is ALL they need, and to pursue it to the fullest and all else will fall into place. I wish to use my misstakes and utter failure of my own life to be as example to them so as to not follow my path. I want to stress to them that all that is important in life is to be truely happy and fullfilled in whatever venture they seek out, weather it be painting or fixing cars or rock climbing. I dont want them to kill themselves and be misserable trying to achive to get some colledge degree to be some doctor or lawyer just for the income bracket, because money is the means to an end and not the end. Unfortunatly this lesson is utterly lost from my wife and her familys understanding and they will have custodial custody of my girls. Right now as I write this she is trying to fight to keep me from ever seeing my girls again.

I was a confused and terably insecure yung adult who made decitions out of fear and it lead to this. I wish to raise my girls to have total control of themselves and be entirely independent of anyone, definetly the opposite sex. I sacrificed my dreams and life goals for what I thought I was supposed to do and be, out of fear and insecurity, and it cost me the first half of a normal life span. Now I come to find out that I don't have a normal life span, I'm fu($%^ and all I have left is my girls and the next 18 or so years to raise them right and now it seems THAT is going to be a fight.

What does'nt kill us, makes us stronger. I will survive and adapt, improvise, over come and I will pass these things along to my girls as best and efficiently as I can. This will have the eefect of making them stronger than I ever was and so with this knowledge and insight they will thrive and have kids of their own. If they are smart and pass along their collective knowledge and mine to their kids, our legacy will be started and we will succeed in the big game.