Before I forget 'em

[smilies]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" said the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye the dad replied "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

[smilies]

10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[smilies]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

[smilies]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[smilies]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[smilies]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to sit down and relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....."

He sighed, "...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[smilies]

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

[smilies]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[smilies]

a blonde, stares and stares into a hand held mirror, she stares and stares and after a while...her blonde roommate walks in...

the 1st blonde tells her friend " i know who this person is but i can't figure out whop it is"

her friend looks at her and says" let me see" as she takes a look, she gets excited and yells" duh stupid, its me!!!"

[smilies]

A Class of 3rd graders was ready for school. The teacher tells the
class, "Okay class, today we are going to practice sentences using
today's word. Today's word is calculator .."

The teacher asks Michelle, "Michelle, can you say a sentence using the
word Calculator?"
Michelle responds, "yes ma'am" , replies Michelle. "When I do my math
I use a calculator".
"Very good Michelle," replies the teacher.

Next the teacher asks Thomas, "Thomas, can you say a sentence using
the word calculator?
"Yes ma'am" replies Thomas. "When I can't figure out a math problem, I
use a calculator to help me solve the problem". "Very good Thomas,"
replies the teacher.

Next the teacher asks Pepito, "Pepito, can you say a sentence using
the word calculator?"
"Si Senora", replies Pepito. "Guen my mamita makes me some tamales,
some frijoles and some rice with some tortillas, I eat it all up and den
I take a caca later."

[smilies]

little johnnyasked his dad to help him out with an assignment
it was about the difference between th words potentially & reallity

his dad says ok, first, go ask ur sister if she would **** the
milkman for a million bucks
NO way say johnny she'll slap me!!
go on says his dad im tryin to help

so off goes johnny to ask his siss
he comes back & says holly **** dad she said YES

ok, his dad said, Now go ask ur mum the same Q.
i cant ask her that dad, shell flog me!!!
its ok son, tell her i said to answer you!

so off he goes again & and he's shocked he has
come up with the same answer....!

now ask ur brother the same ? says his dad
fuk, im gonna get a beatin!!!
no, its just a question son, he'll be right

once again he goes to ask, this time he's even more shocked
holly fuk dad the prick said yes!!!!!!!!!!

OK now, says dad,potentially we have, 3 million bucks

but in reallity all we got is 2 SLUTS AND A FAGGOT

[smilies]

a blonde a brunett and a red head were on an island. they came across a genie in a bottle. the genie says he will grant them one wish each. the brunett says 'make me smart so i can find a way off this island' the genie grants her the wish and she makes a raft and floats away from the island.
the red head says 'genie make me smarter than her so i can find a way off this island'. the genie grants her the wish and she builds a boat and she sails away from the island.
the blonde says 'genie, make me smarter than both of them so i can find a way off this island'.

the genie makes the blonde into a man and he walks across the bridge.

[smilies]

3 men are driving down the desert....when their truck breaks down

they decide to take some part of the truck and start walking...

so, the 1st man says, "im gonna take the radiator, so if we get thirsty...we can drink the water."

the 2nd man says, " im gonna take the seat, if we get tired...we can sit down"

the 3rd man says, " yeah well, im gonna take the door!"

other two men ask "WHY"?

3rd man says" so that if we get hot...we can roll down the window

[Mr HVAC41]

Originally posted by jerrycoolsaz
A Class of 3rd graders was ready for school. The teacher tells the
class, "Okay class, today we are going to practice sentences using
today's word. Today's word is calculator .."

The teacher asks Michelle, "Michelle, can you say a sentence using the
word Calculator?"
Michelle responds, "yes ma'am" , replies Michelle. "When I do my math
I use a calculator".
"Very good Michelle," replies the teacher.

Next the teacher asks Thomas, "Thomas, can you say a sentence using
the word calculator?
"Yes ma'am" replies Thomas. "When I can't figure out a math problem, I
use a calculator to help me solve the problem". "Very good Thomas,"
replies the teacher.

Next the teacher asks Pepito, "Pepito, can you say a sentence using
the word calculator?"
"Si Senora", replies Pepito. "Guen my mamita makes me some tamales,
some frijoles and some rice with some tortillas, I eat it all up and den
I take a caca later."


ROFLMAO