View Full Version : A little political humor (just for fun)
03-13-2007, 11:28 AM
Subject: DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT!
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled
and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right
now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of
the window and make 156 million people very happy."
03-13-2007, 12:27 PM
now thats funny
03-13-2007, 05:47 PM
now that's funny. uh-oh, (wring hands)......that's hate speech:eek:
reminds me of a guy who took a prescribed laxative before leaving for work. but he got stuck in traffic, so he barely made it into the stall and onto the pot before it all came out. so he looks over and no toilet paper.
so someone comes into the stall next door. so...
(knock knock knock)
Hey buddy, is there any extra toilet paper over there?
No, just enough for one.
a couple minutes later....
(knock knock knock)
hey buddy, is there any newspaper or magazine over there?
No man, nothing .
(knock knock knock )
any empty toilet paper rolls or anything?
knock knock knock
got two tens for a twenty?
03-13-2007, 06:53 PM
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if bin Laden is still alive', bin Laden decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.
Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."
But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"
Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Osama bin Laden. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."
03-13-2007, 07:01 PM
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
03-13-2007, 07:05 PM
George Bush and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news on TV one evening. Cheney bets Bush $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," Bush replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Bush and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," Bush replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."
Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," said Bush, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
03-13-2007, 07:07 PM
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
03-13-2007, 07:08 PM
President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"
03-13-2007, 07:14 PM
Three surgeons were seated together at a medical conference dinner table when one speaks up and says: "Last year I had a very unusual and difficult case. This person came to me with every finger on their right hand severely broken in multiple locations asking me to surgically repair the damage. Well after six long hours of orthopedic surgery, I successfully repaired the damage and today this person is performing with the Boston Symphony as a concert pianist again."
"Wow, that's impressive," his fellow colleagues all exclaimed in unison. Then one of the other surgeons speaks up and says: "Yes, very impressive indeed, but let me tell you about a patient I had last year too. This gentlemen came to me with two legs that had been severed just below the knee and his right arm severed above the elbow and he wanted me to repair all the damage. After long multiple surgeries I am pleased to report that this person will be competing in the next Iron Man Triathalon."
"That is very impressive," the others exclaimed while looking in admiration upon the very gifted surgeon.
Finally the third surgeon who had waited his turn spoke up. "Both of your achievements were extremely impressive and I am honored to be in the company of such excellence but I must tell you about a recent patient of mine. This gentlemen had been out riding a horse on his ranch when he ran smack head on into a freight train going 60 miles an hour down the track. All that I had to work with was a cowboy hat and the horse's *******. I performed many long arduous surgeries and am pleased to report that this gentlemen is now President of the United States.
03-13-2007, 07:16 PM
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is?
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"
03-13-2007, 07:18 PM
WASHINGTON, DC - The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance: A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
Furthermore: It was reported today that at White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that men do not have anginas.
The president was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has acute angina.
03-13-2007, 07:53 PM
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
03-13-2007, 07:54 PM
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fu-k the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
03-13-2007, 07:55 PM
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
03-13-2007, 07:56 PM
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.
Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
03-13-2007, 08:02 PM
"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno
03-14-2007, 12:02 AM
You see folks:
This just goes to prove my repeated statement:
NEVER TRUST A POLITICIAN, NEVER
As we can see from numerous posts: They all have flaws... :p
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.0 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.