JRP-1
02-15-2002, 12:56 PM
You are not likely to see this information on the American Heart Association website anytime soon!
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
> life. Is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it . . . don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
> saying you can extend the life of your car by driving
> it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
> cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
> So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
> of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
> Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
> (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
> 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
> slop.
> Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
> A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
> vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
> everything in the world into three categories: animal,
> mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine
> are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table
> of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My
> advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
> vegetables.
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat,
> your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
> ratio is two to one, etc.
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
> a regular exercise program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
> is: No Pain - Good.
> Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
> A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and
> peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
> yourself to death in record time.
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
> vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
> could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
> Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
> A: Thicker gravy.
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
> soft around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
> bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
> bigger stomach.
> Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable.
> It's the best feel good food around!
>
> I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
> have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour
> is a veggie!
> "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of
> tequila and salt."
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
> life. Is this true?
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it . . . don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
> saying you can extend the life of your car by driving
> it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
> cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
> So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
> of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
> Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
> (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
> 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
> slop.
> Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
> A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
> vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
> everything in the world into three categories: animal,
> mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine
> are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table
> of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My
> advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
> vegetables.
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat,
> your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
> ratio is two to one, etc.
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
> a regular exercise program?
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
> is: No Pain - Good.
> Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
> A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and
> peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
> yourself to death in record time.
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
> vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
> could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
> Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
> A: Thicker gravy.
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
> soft around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
> bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
> bigger stomach.
> Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable.
> It's the best feel good food around!
>
> I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
> have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour
> is a veggie!
> "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of
> tequila and salt."